Emergency Beer Procurment Plan

It's a recurring theme in my posts. For one reason of another Felecia and I are broke until payday and must devise and implement strategic crisis budget beer procurement plan. Curiously, a plan of similar magnitude is seldom put into effect before crunch time. We manage money in a way similar to George Bush managing the national debt, which is extremely poorly.

The plan usually entails some combination of selling treasured items, eating only ramen noodles and redeeming the deposits from the mountain of empty bottles that have accumulated since our last income deficiency. But it also implies making wise choices with our remaining dollars to make sure we don't sit out too many dry nights. Ahem.

Here are some tips; some lessons I've learned about drinking beer with little dough:

Buy one microbrew six-pack and two six-ers of PBR (or similar swill) tall boys. After work drink a bottle of the good beer with someone you love, taking special care to note the characteristics you enjoy. Comment on them with your companion. Then drink a couple 16 oz. PBR's, noting how the flavor has little in common with beer. If you need more to drink after this, seek professional counseling. Hurry to bed, the sooner you go to sleep, the sooner you can start another day and enjoy another BEER.

Repeat the steps above, substituting Charles Shaw Cabernet, Shiraz, or Chardonnay for the swill beer. You may become hung over.

If it's Tuesday, and you happen to live in Portland, OR (you're a luckey sonofagun), collect all the spare change in your house, cash it in for dollar bills. Exchange two of these for a Five Ton Strong Ale at the Lucky Labrador NW Beerhall, and get an entire quarter back (save it to buy lunch tomorrow).

Finally, getting through a tough times isn't always about buying the cheapest thing in the beer isle. A 27 oz. bottle of Sheif's Stout, is the darkest, creamiest thing one can buy for $2.78. It will sustain you. Or, try buying a couple bottles of Killian's Irish Red by the bottle. The six-pack at Fredy's is perpetually on sale for $4.99, or $0.84 for a 12 oz. bottle. Sure, Coors is tricking you into thinking it's a microbrew, but... fuck it, at least you're not stealing.


Blogger Bridger said...

This is funny... take a look.

8:18 PM  
Blogger Ghost Dog said...

That *is* funny. I'll drink Killians when I can't get any decent local beer, which fortunately is rare.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Bridger said...

Yes, Sheaf Stout is the same story. Australia is far off, and it's made by the same co. that brings us Fosters.

I told Mr. Killian my idea for his website, but, unfortunatly, he hasn't allowed my comment yet. I hope it's the winning entry.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Andy said...

Astute observation about the Charles Shaw. It's like it contains sulfites or something. (jk) Cheap bourbon is also a decent second fiddle after a good craft beer.

I've got an unnatural aversion to any Coors products, so I've not had Killians for years.

I have to admit that a can of Fosters' Bitter or Beck's bottles can be found for quite cheap and aren't bad - whether you're drinking them or cooking bratwurst in them.

9:56 PM  

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